holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
