So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
