the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
