So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
