All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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