I want to walk on stilts...naked
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
