Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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