I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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