you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
