Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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