Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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