i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
