My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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