Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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