We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
