so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
