If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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