yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
