That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
