Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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