Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize