after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
