i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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