my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
