I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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