take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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