You don't have asthma, your pregnant
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
worst night to have a conscience
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
