when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
