it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
