I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
