Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
