you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
