she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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