I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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