he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
that's an acceptable place to lick
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
