Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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