This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
