remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
