then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize