You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
