When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
