Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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