The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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