she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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