My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
