I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
