why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
