Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize