well I can't set my house on fire every night
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
