she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
