Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize