Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
