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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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