A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
