I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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