my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So vagazzling was a success
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
