i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
