There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
