Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
