the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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