One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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