i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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