I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
