ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
