those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
