My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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