Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I need moral support for this bender
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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