I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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