the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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