I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
