She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
