Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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